xd.

November 21, 2025 - 11:32 PM.

I hate this feeling. It’s genuinely so pitiful. A disgusting, gross almagamation of anger, self-loathing, a yearning for something more, and the oppressive need to be alone. Wrapped in a camofluage of unknowing but knowing that there’s more to feel. It’s so disgusting. I hate it. I don’t hate myself, it’s a secret third thing.

connection.

I’m now realize I have no clue in the world on how to connect with people. I thought I was getting better but this week has sincerely humbled me. Devoured my ego within seconds. I’ve been actively resisting the built-in need to rearrange myself into a hundred different ships to find a connecting slot on the other person. Like it could be so easy, I wouldn’t mind it.. for a while. I so desperately want the connection I think. But I genuinely don’t understand the processes involved. From micro to macro I genuinely don’t know how to connect. Even if I’m showing a ghost of an image, even if I’m performing a ghost of the action. I know deep down this isn’t truly connection. That I’m simply performing it. I’m so peeved bro ts pmo.

rejection therapy

My whole life has been a life-long case study on rejection. Of course I stopped giving a fuck for years now but god damn. It used to hurt, but now it’s a secret third thing. A feeling of the tiny child in my still holding his hand out for a high five. I feel so degenerartively annoying when I try. When I talk. When I text. When I send something. It’s always me wondering if I’m being an annoyance. Why have these feelings resurfaced? What has changed?