I’ve always wanted to be happy. Since I was a child. Since I was around twelve. I need to address two questions you might have before I can continue in good faith: “everyone wants to be happy” and “why twelve?”

Everyone wants to be happy.

Yes, this is true. This is a fundamental truth. And the reality of the world. Everyone in one shape or form yearns for happiness in whichever fashion they can find or create it. I’m not going to act like I’m cut from a different cloth or a wolf among sheep. I’ve always wanted happiness. But to me personally I’ve always felt happiness in a different form rather than joy or content with my state of being. I could be happy and joyful, but deep down, I still feel like I’m rather lacking something.

I genuinely have no clue what happiness means to me. Things I used to enjoy doing, like playing video games, being with friends or family, and reading shitty manhwa. These things don’t really make me happy anymore. The feeling is still there, like it’s always been since I was twelve.

Why twelve?

Twelve years old is genuinely the only reference point I can somewhat remember being unhappy, disassociated, isolated, all the words. The events surrounding these feelings are lost to me, like a lot of my childhood. It’s like walking out of a room and not remembering what you were even there for in the first place. Not remembering the faces that surrounded you, or the items that you touched. Not remembering the words said, but remembering how they made you feel. So for me everything stats at twelve I guess.

Continuation

So yes, I’ve always wanted to be happy. It’s been ten years since I was twelve. And not much has changed, to be quite frank. I still feel the same; the days only get shorter, and the memories only leave faster. I have a plan without effort, I have a dream without sleep, and yet this one feels so achievable. It’s going to take a lot of work and a lot of years, tears, and hardship. But if I want to live a very specific life, and in the end the biggest thing would be that eventually I’m happy. I don’t know how this happiness will come or what form it will take. But that’s the goal.